We are sometimes surprise by the occasional close friend who disappears from our allies after the funeral is over. This is the person we felt that we could depend on, one of the people we like the best interested the most to come through. When we sense that we have been deserted, we feel angry and disappointed. It is only natural that we should be upset. We feel that the person has been selfish or superficial.

But that is not necessarily true. Some people cannot give comfort because they were not raised in an environment in which solace was a part of the people's behavior. It is alien to the to try to extend any deep, sustaining kind of consolation. They care, but they don't know where to begin. They are afraid of their own feelings as much as they are afraid of ours. And so they don't try to make a connection.

We can recognize that others have their limitations and that their experiences have shaped them differently from ourselves. They are not bad people, they are simply people move for one reason or another are unable to join with us in our sorrow, and that is what we need most now.

I will forgive my friend for his or her feelings of inadequacy and confusion, for not knowing what to do for me or say to me. I will remember that my situation is very frightening to people who are ready distanced from their feelings. Grief signifies the at most in vulnerability, and I can't expect that everyone will have the courage to close to that vulnerability.

From the Book A TIME TO GRIEVE by CAROL STAUDACHER